NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER”
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
Randier than a sailor who’s been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer’s hand an inch above your knee.
First let’s take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.
Then there’s the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He’s really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’
The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It’s probably just your Dad..’
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today ithe happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!
She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?
ARTERY———————————–The study of art.
BENIGN————————————After you are eight.
BACTERIA——————————–Back door to a cafeteria.
BARIUM————————————What doctors do when patients die.
CESAREAN SECTION—————–A neighbourhood in Rome.
CATSCAN———————————-Searching for kitty.
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted.
‘My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,’ he announced
triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!’
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw up.’
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?’
‘No,’ replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms.
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip..”
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice… At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the desk:
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here’s an update for you.
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
A woman (of Irish decent) of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance,” she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him a ‘Newfie Viagra’.
‘What is Newfie Viagra?’ she asked.
‘It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’