ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [censored] me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
dribblingpensioner 
I think attorneys world wide lack in common sense.
I thought it was just in the states Addie 😆
I love these!!!!
Theres more 🙂
Oh please share!!!!
Ha, ha, ha. Quality.
Glad you enjoyed them.
Hillarious, but just in the states? Harry, I suspect you may have your share of fools across the pond.
Let me think………………………………yes just a few 🙂
Reblogged this on THE WRITER BY DAY and commented:
Okay. This has nothing to do with poetry or writing, but hang onto your seat. It’s hysterical. Happy weekend all …
I just fell off the bed laughing.
Thank you!
Reblogging.
Who’s the author of this great tome? 😉
Thanks for the reblog Jamie, the author, who knows 🙂
Actually, that question sounds like I’m one of those lawyers. It would be an editor …. anyway I wanted to buy a copy of the book and found there are several with the same or similar names. Does NOT bode well for us. Thanks again for the laugh. Happy days, Harry.
Hilarious! This was read-aloud worthy!
Naomi, thanks commenting and for your visit, please call again.
What a hoot!
Now I think that I might pass them on to my husband … the lawyer.
Thanks Raven, do show him he could use some of them 🙂
Oh dear. I think I need Depends.
Victoria, thank you for your visit, i tried to go to your blog.
BUT, i got a warning of a severe threat from it, you should look into it.
You might like my other poetry site as well
http://poetscornerblog.wordpress.com/
Blooming hilarious Harry. The last one and the one about doing autopsies on dead people had me in fits. 😀
I thought the last one was best 🙂
Good grief Harry, those are hilarious. No wonder our judicial system is so screwed up!!! 😯
No wonder IzaakMak no wonder 🙂
@Harry – I laughed out-loud. That was great. I really needed a great laugh. I found this hysterically funny, as one of my many (and I mean a boat load) of careers is a paralegal. I worked in a law firm. The Attorney I worked for is actually a very famous Attorney and is on television often. He was so dumb. I actually told this Attorney to kiss my ass, one day, and walked out of work. Never went back.
The Paralegals did everything. The Attorney’s only looked handsome. I was making $28 dollars per hour, but refused to work for dumb people. I could not do it. I would literally explain things over and over in meetings, then with a follow-up e-mail and follow up minutes from our meetings.
The Attorney’s would still not understand my legal research or what I was trying to explain about a particular client. I decided, I was not going to be a Paralegal at that point.
This post made me think of the dumb Attorney’s from my past. That’s why I was laughing so loud. Thanks
You think they are smart cookies watching tv 🙂
OMG! I am rolling on the floor Harry!
Glad you enjoyed it Chris.
loved it Harry
Thanks JO.
Read this over at Jamie’s place…she was right…it’s hilarious! Thanks for sharing, Harry.
Thank you glad you enjoy it, Jamie’s a big commenter which is good 🙂