Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [censored] me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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32 responses to “Disorder in the American Courts

  1. I think attorneys world wide lack in common sense.

  2. Chatter Master

    I love these!!!!

  3. Ha, ha, ha. Quality.

  4. Hillarious, but just in the states? Harry, I suspect you may have your share of fools across the pond.

  5. Reblogged this on THE WRITER BY DAY and commented:
    Okay. This has nothing to do with poetry or writing, but hang onto your seat. It’s hysterical. Happy weekend all …

  6. I just fell off the bed laughing.
    Thank you!
    Reblogging.
    Who’s the author of this great tome? πŸ˜‰

    • Thanks for the reblog Jamie, the author, who knows πŸ™‚

      • Actually, that question sounds like I’m one of those lawyers. It would be an editor …. anyway I wanted to buy a copy of the book and found there are several with the same or similar names. Does NOT bode well for us. Thanks again for the laugh. Happy days, Harry.

  7. Hilarious! This was read-aloud worthy!

  8. Now I think that I might pass them on to my husband … the lawyer.

  9. Oh dear. I think I need Depends.

  10. Blooming hilarious Harry. The last one and the one about doing autopsies on dead people had me in fits. πŸ˜€

  11. Good grief Harry, those are hilarious. No wonder our judicial system is so screwed up!!! 😯

  12. @Harry – I laughed out-loud. That was great. I really needed a great laugh. I found this hysterically funny, as one of my many (and I mean a boat load) of careers is a paralegal. I worked in a law firm. The Attorney I worked for is actually a very famous Attorney and is on television often. He was so dumb. I actually told this Attorney to kiss my ass, one day, and walked out of work. Never went back.

    The Paralegals did everything. The Attorney’s only looked handsome. I was making $28 dollars per hour, but refused to work for dumb people. I could not do it. I would literally explain things over and over in meetings, then with a follow-up e-mail and follow up minutes from our meetings.

    The Attorney’s would still not understand my legal research or what I was trying to explain about a particular client. I decided, I was not going to be a Paralegal at that point.

    This post made me think of the dumb Attorney’s from my past. That’s why I was laughing so loud. Thanks

  13. You think they are smart cookies watching tv πŸ™‚

  14. OMG! I am rolling on the floor Harry!

  15. Read this over at Jamie’s place…she was right…it’s hilarious! Thanks for sharing, Harry.

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