THREAT ALERTS IN 2011 EUROPE:
by John Cleese: British writer, actor and very tall person
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to”Peeved.
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to”Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” Warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scotland has raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” The Scots don’t have any other levels.
This is The reason they have been used on the front line of the British army For the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag
Factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual.
The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll be all right, Mate.”
Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!” and “The Barbie is canceled.”
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Going out for dinner
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dream and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet.
No, she replies. You just happened to catch my eye.
A farmer’s pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several year’s.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic table’s, horseshoe court’s, and some apple, and peach tree’s.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, we’re not coming out until you leave.
The old man frowned, I didn’t come down here to watch you ladie’s swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
Holding the bucket up he said, I’m just here to feed the alligator.
Some old men can still think fast. “Life is a gift”