Blonde in church joke.

Blonde in a Baptist Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Irish jokes

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went
to see the Bishop who said “You must answer
three questions on the Bible”
“First – Who was born in a stable?”
“Red Rum” he replied
“Second – What do you think of Damascus?”
“It kills 99% of all germs” he replied.
“Third – What happened when the disciples went to
Mount Olive?”
“That’s easy” he said “Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!

Oscar Pistorius Jokes.

It didn’t take long, did it?

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don’t try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn’t mean he’s unarmed.

Irish humour: Paddy Jokes

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

*********

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

**********
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”  he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

HOLY HUMOUR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

What is old.

What is Old?

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

My Blogs First Birthday

My blog  is one year old to-day the 2nd April 2012,  and i think it has grown so much in that time with so many posts on different subjects.People seem to like my posts about photos, jokes, humour, poetry ?, and my general rambling’s that i just pluck out of the air.

Squirrels Over-run Church.

There were five houses of religion in a smalltown:
The Presbyterian Church.
The BaptistChurch .
The MethodistChurch .
The Catholic Church.
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One Liner Jokes.

Enjoy all the one liners.

• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornados and hail.
• You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Doctor jokes

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

funny jokes 2

THREAT ALERTS IN 2011 EUROPE:

by John Cleese: British writer, actor and very tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to”Peeved.

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to”Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” Warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.