God’s creation explained.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good.

The Tie

A member of the fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Taliban said, “My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?”

The Jew replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes.

The Cardiologist & The Mechanic…

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a  BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

Blonde in church joke.

Blonde in a Baptist Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Irish jokes

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went
to see the Bishop who said “You must answer
three questions on the Bible”
“First – Who was born in a stable?”
“Red Rum” he replied
“Second – What do you think of Damascus?”
“It kills 99% of all germs” he replied.
“Third – What happened when the disciples went to
Mount Olive?”
“That’s easy” he said “Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!

God bless little old ladies.

It happened in a Metro station in Montreal………..

There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on
the evils of Canada.

I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined.

Oscar Pistorius Jokes.

It didn’t take long, did it?

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don’t try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn’t mean he’s unarmed.

9 Months Later, Joke.

9 Months Later…

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained.

‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said’ We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.

Irish humour: Paddy Jokes

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

*********

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

**********
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”  he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

HOLY HUMOUR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

Choose a good password

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her man to install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, a word that
he’ll always remember.

Clever Feet

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.