Irish humour: Paddy Jokes

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Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

*********

Mick was having his yearly bath when his mum walks in and catches him playing with himself and his Mum says” Mick now that is very naughty”Mick replies “. it’s my willy and I can wash it as fast as I like”

*********

Mick,says to his Da “Da how did you meet mum”, Da “well I was at a dance and I saw this beautiful girl ” I asked her to dance we did and I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world then cupid shot his bow and arrow
The arrow missed and hit your Ma

*********

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

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Paddy found this lovely girt tied to the railway track ,so he frees her an takes her home and makes some mad passionate love all day and night ,so he starts to boast to his mate about this great find and his mates asks him “what does she look like Paddy”. so Paddy replies “don’t know I haven’t found her head yet”

**********
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”  he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

**********
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT > BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

***********
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her  contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

***********
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.  Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

************

Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says “try these and come back next week”when Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies “Those things I might have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done

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An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.  “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.

*************
Paddy is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.  “What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.  “It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.

*************
An American tourist asks an Irishman “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”

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60 responses to “Irish humour: Paddy Jokes

  1. very funny and a great start to 2013, as long as i walk backwards so I can see 2012 ,,,,where i have been…Nice one Harry..

  2. Great start to my new year Harry! Thanks for the laugh:)

    HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HAPPY BLOGGING!! :)

  3. Oh my word…I love the ‘air freshener tree’ one. Hilarious! Thanks Harry. Great fun way to start the New Year! 😀

  4. For some reason I just hear these in my mind with an Irish brogue. Very fun!

  5. Harry thank you for these jokes, LOL I love them! :)

  6. Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope “DO NOT > BEND “.
    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody
    thing up.
    That has to be my favourite Harry

  7. ahaha! not unlike blond jokes!

  8. Hilarious jokes! Great post to begin this new year :)

  9. Cheers Harry – Happy New Year!

  10. You still aren’t showing up in my reader :(

    Happy New Year. Where on earth do you find your jokes, they are so funny!

  11. I visited various sites but the audio feature for audio songs existing at this website
    is genuinely superb.

  12. Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says “try these and come back next week”when Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies “Those things I might have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done

  13. Mick,says to his Da “Da how did you meet mum”, Da “well I was at a dance and I saw this beautiful girl ” I asked her to dance we did and I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world then cupid shot his bow and arrow
    The arrow missed and hit your Ma

  14. Paddy found this lovely girt tied to the railway track ,so he frees her an takes her home and makes some mad passionate love all day and night ,so he starts to boast to his mate about this great find and his mates asks him “what does she look like Paddy”. so Paddy replies “don’t know I haven’t found her head yet”

  15. Mick was having his yearly bath when his mum walks in and catches him playing with himself and his Mum says” Mick now that is very naughty”Mick replies “. it’s my willy and I can wash it as fast as I can”

  16. Paddy is at a dance and dancing with a lovely girl ,he says to the girl “You smell nice, what have you on”? The girl replies “Evening in Paris”
    “You smell nice also !” What have you on ?
    Paddy replies “I have a hard on but I didn’t think you could smell it “

  17. wee girl says to her mum
    “Mum the boys in my class say I’m the best at doing handstand in the school”
    Mum ” but dear they only want to see your knickers!”
    girl “I know mum that’s why I take them off and put them in my school bag”

  18. You’re still funny as ever Paddy, erm.. I meant.. Harry…
    lol

    • Thanks Paul nice to hear from you, i have a new joke blog but you may not like the rude ones :)

      • Harry not sure if I posted this before or not
        Guy in a hotel asks the barman “Where are the gents”
        Barman “down the corridor second door on the left”
        So the guy leaves then comes back to the bar and says
        “This place is corrupt ,on my way to the gents I passed the Ladies
        and I couldn’t believe what I saw ”
        “There was a young woman getting shagged by a big guy then there was another guy shagging him ”
        Barman ” did the big guy in the middle have a ginger beard” ?
        Guy,”yes why”?
        Barman ” because the bastard is lucky at cards to”!

  19. Thank you no you didn’t, i’ll post it in my other blog.

    • A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts “who’s been fucking my wife?”a voice in the back shouts
      ” You don’t have enough bullets”…..
       

    • A guy was standing at the door waiting for the milkman to deliver his milk
      when the milkman arrives he says to the customer
      “my you look rough”
      man “I feel rough we had a party last night all the neighbours were here we had a great night”
      Milkman “did you play any games”
      man “yes we played a game where all the men lined up and took out their cocks and the ladies would come in blindfolded and try and guess who the cock belonged to ”
      milkman ” that’s my kind of game I wish I had of been there ”
      man ” you might as well had been here your name was called out 4 times during the game “

      • Love them both :)

      • Paddy comes out of a bar and he is standing next to a young girl ,and the next thing is she starts to cry ,so Paddy asks her “why are you crying”?
        young girl “see that girl across the road ” “well she is a lesbian and I want to fondle her run my hands up her skirt and make love to her ”
        paddy starts to cry also and the girl asks him “why are you crying Paddy”?
        “well I must be a lesbian also, because I feel like doing the same things to her as well “

      • The new manager of Liverpool football club sent scouts out around the world
        Looking for a new center forward to replace his old and decrepit players
        In the hope of winning the league.
        One of his scouts informed him of a young Iraqi soccer player who he thinks
        will turn out to be a true superstar.
        The manager flies out to Baghdad to watch him play and is suitably impressed
        and arranges for him to come to Liverpool.
        Two week later and Liverpool are 4 to 1 down ManU and only 20 minutes to the end of the game,
        The manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and on to the pitch he goes.
        The lad is a sensation and scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the match for Liverpool.
        The fans are delighted; the players and management are delighted, and so to are the media who think the new player is fantastic.
        When the players leave the pitch he phones his mother to tell her about his first game in the premiership.
        Hello mum, guess what? “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 goals and we won the game.
        “Everybody loves me, they think I am a great player”
        Wonderful says his mum “now let me tell you about my day
        Your father got shot in the street
        Your sister and I were ambushed and beaten up
        And your brother has joined a gang of looters
        while you were out having a good time”
        The lad was very upset and said sorry to his poor mother.

        “Sorry” says his mum, “your fucking sorry???
        “It’s your entire fault
        we moved to Liverpool in the first place”

  20. Brilliant, i’ll put that one to-night.

    • Harry,, a guy walks into a night club and starts talking to some girls, then after a short while he says “I can tell when a girl was born just by putting my hand up her skirt ” so one girl lefts up her skirt and says ” go on when was I born “?
      man replies “yesterday “

  21. Mary is breast feeding her baby on a Dublin bus
    And a yank asks her “Mamam what are you doing to that child”?
    Mary replies ” I’ m feeding my baby”!
    Yank ” Do you think he will eat all that “?

  22. Ugly nurse says to the pretty nurse ” That guy in bed 3 has LUDO tattooed on his cock
    Pretty nurse replies ” That’s not Ludo on his cock it’s Llandudno “

  23. Pope’s Illness
    The Pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him.
    The cardinals called in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he comes up with a solution.
    “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The Pope has a rare testicular disorder.
    The good news: “He can be cured…..with sex.”

    The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the Pope.
    “I’ll agree to it,” says the Pope.” But under four conditions.” The cardinals were shocked.” What are the four conditions?” asks one.
    First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
    Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
    Third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex she can tell no one.
    After a long pause, a cardinal asks, “And the fourth condition?”

    Big tits.

  24. Mick got a job as a chauffeur driving Cherie Blair around the countryside then day he hit a cow
    “What will I do now ” asks Mick
    “Your the chauffeur its your problem ” replies Cherie
    “You better go and tell the farmer” says Cherie
    So of Mick trots up to the farmhouse ,some time later Mick returns looking the worse for wear
    Cherie asks ” What happened to you ?”
    I told the farmer what had happened the next thing the farmer gets out his best Poteen his wife makes me a slap up dinner and their young daughter gives my a blow job
    ” What on earth did you say to them”? Asks Cherie
    Well I told them that I was Cherie Blair’s chauffeur and I killed the cow

  25. Boy goes to his parents and says ” Mom ,Dad last night I had my first sex”
    Dad replies ” That’s great news I will buy you a new bicycle to celebrate that occasion , but you will have to wait until next week when I get paid”
    Boy ” thats alright Da my arse is to sore to ride a bike now”

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