Irish humour: Paddy Jokes

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Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

*********

Mick was having his yearly bath when his mum walks in and catches him playing with himself and his Mum says” Mick now that is very naughty”Mick replies “. it’s my willy and I can wash it as fast as I like”

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Mick,says to his Da “Da how did you meet mum”, Da “well I was at a dance and I saw this beautiful girl ” I asked her to dance we did and I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world then cupid shot his bow and arrow
The arrow missed and hit your Ma

*********

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

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Paddy found this lovely girt tied to the railway track ,so he frees her an takes her home and makes some mad passionate love all day and night ,so he starts to boast to his mate about this great find and his mates asks him “what does she look like Paddy”. so Paddy replies “don’t know I haven’t found her head yet”

**********
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy”  he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

**********
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT > BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her  contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

***********
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.  Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

************

Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says “try these and come back next week”when Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies “Those things I might have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done

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An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.  “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.

*************
Paddy is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.  “What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.  “It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.

*************
An American tourist asks an Irishman “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”

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39 responses to “Irish humour: Paddy Jokes

  1. very funny and a great start to 2013, as long as i walk backwards so I can see 2012 ,,,,where i have been…Nice one Harry..

  2. Great start to my new year Harry! Thanks for the laugh:)

    HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HAPPY BLOGGING!! :)

  3. Oh my word…I love the ‘air freshener tree’ one. Hilarious! Thanks Harry. Great fun way to start the New Year! 😀

  4. For some reason I just hear these in my mind with an Irish brogue. Very fun!

  5. Harry thank you for these jokes, LOL I love them! :)

  6. Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope “DO NOT > BEND “.
    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody
    thing up.
    That has to be my favourite Harry

  7. ahaha! not unlike blond jokes!

  8. Hilarious jokes! Great post to begin this new year :)

  9. Cheers Harry – Happy New Year!

  10. You still aren’t showing up in my reader :(

    Happy New Year. Where on earth do you find your jokes, they are so funny!

  11. I visited various sites but the audio feature for audio songs existing at this website
    is genuinely superb.

  12. Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says “try these and come back next week”when Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies “Those things I might have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done

  13. Mick,says to his Da “Da how did you meet mum”, Da “well I was at a dance and I saw this beautiful girl ” I asked her to dance we did and I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world then cupid shot his bow and arrow
    The arrow missed and hit your Ma

  14. Paddy found this lovely girt tied to the railway track ,so he frees her an takes her home and makes some mad passionate love all day and night ,so he starts to boast to his mate about this great find and his mates asks him “what does she look like Paddy”. so Paddy replies “don’t know I haven’t found her head yet”

  15. Mick was having his yearly bath when his mum walks in and catches him playing with himself and his Mum says” Mick now that is very naughty”Mick replies “. it’s my willy and I can wash it as fast as I can”

  16. Paddy is at a dance and dancing with a lovely girl ,he says to the girl “You smell nice, what have you on”? The girl replies “Evening in Paris”
    “You smell nice also !” What have you on ?
    Paddy replies “I have a hard on but I didn’t think you could smell it “

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